Lions and tigers and bears…

Fear.  It’s something we’ve all experienced, although some of us experience it more often than others.  I’m certainly no stranger to being scared.  In fact, here’s just a few of the things that frighten me:  Driving on icy roads or in an area that I’m not familiar with.  Scary movies.  Snakes.  Heights.  And sometimes, people, in general.  Actually, I could go on forever, so let’s just say that I’m pretty much scared of everything.  Maybe that’s why the cowardly lion was my favorite character in The Wizard of Oz.

The good thing is that we can usually avoid a lot of things that we’re afraid of.  I stay off of the roads when they’re icy and if I see a snake, I’m out.  I have a friend who loves horror flicks.  Honestly, I have never figured out how anyone can actually enjoy those movies – but hey, if you want to spend $10-$15 to jack up your heart rate by watching the latest Halloween movie or The Conjuring, knock yourself out.  I’ll go see a Disney movie and we can meet in the lobby afterward.

Icy roads, snakes, heights…yep, for the most part, they can be avoided.  It’s usually not hard to stay away from things that scare you as long as they aren’t in the way of getting something you want.  But what about when there’s something that you really want and the only way to get it is to face something you’re afraid of?  Think about it this way…you see a blue suitcase on the edge of a cliff.  You want to know what’s inside of it.  It’s only a few hundred feet away, but in between you and the blue suitcase is a rope bridge that’s, oh let’s say…500 feet in the air.  You’re not just afraid of heights, you’re terrified, so there’s no way you’re going to cross that rope bridge to get to that suitcase, right?  Now, let’s say that there’s a million dollars in the suitcase…am I sensing a change of heart?  When we want something badly enough, fear can’t stop us from going after it.

I used to get physically ill if I had to talk in front of people.  You might say, “Duh, Amy, a lot of people are afraid of public speaking,” and you’d be right.  But, what I’m talking about is something as simple as having to introduce myself at the beginning of the first day of a class.  By the time it was my turn to say my name, I’d be sick to my stomach, my hands would be trembling, and my ears would be on fire (some people blush, my ears get hot).  I knew it was silly to get so worked up over something as simple as saying my name, but when my brain told my body, “Chill out, it’s no big deal,” my body didn’t listen and instead, kicked into fight or flight mode.  I hated that I was like that.  Nobody else seemed to get shook up that easily.  Leave it to me to be the freak show.

One day, after this happened yet again, I waited until after class, told the instructor that I was terrified of talking in front of people, and asked that he please not make me talk again.  I promised I’d do all the written work, the homework…hell, I’d even do extra credit, just please don’t make me talk.  He wasn’t having it.  Instead, he suggested I look into Toastmasters (a public speaking & leadership club).  I knew it wasn’t normal to be that scared of talking in class, and I didn’t want to be that way anymore, so I took his suggestion.

A few months later, I found myself standing at a lectern in front of the five or six other members of the Toastmasters club I’d joined.  I was about to give my first speech, a four to six minute speech called The Icebreaker (which is the first speech you do in Toastmasters).  After writing it, I had practiced it so many times that I knew it by heart.  But as soon as I opened my mouth, my brain shut down.  Completely down.  I couldn’t remember one word of my speech.  Luckily, I’d printed it and had it at the lectern with me, so I just started reading it.  And then, about ten seconds in, Freak Show Amy took the stage…I started crying.  I stood in front of those people, reading my speech and crying, nose running and all, for what turned out to be the longest four minutes of my life.  To this day, I think it was the most humiliating experience I’ve ever had.  But because I didn’t throw up, have a panic attack, or die, I considered it to have been somewhat of a success.

Once I knew that death wasn’t a guaranteed consequence of speaking, I decided to keep giving speeches.  I watched other speakers and wanted to be as good as them.  (If you want to see a fantastic Toastmasters speech – one that won the speaker the World Championship of Public Speaking in 2004 – go to Youtube and lookup, “Lessons from Fat Dad” by Randy Harvey…be sure to grab some tissues before you hit that play button.)  Since that first speech, I’ve given about 75 speeches (one in front of between 100 – 200 people) and guess what?  Even though I was consumed with fear almost every time, I never cried again…not even once.

You may wonder why I’d do that to myself, just like I wonder why someone would pay to see a horror flick.  The answer is simple…I had to do it to get something I really wanted.  At first, it was because I really wanted to not feel like a circus side show every time I said my name in front of more than two people.  Then, it progressed to wanting to be a good speaker.  After that, I kind of started to like doing it (crazy, I know).

Now that I’m comfortable speaking, I’ve found a new fear to conquer – this whole writing thing.  I’ve always written, I’ve just never put anything I’ve written where anyone could actually read it.  I really wanted to, but fear was always in the way.  What am I afraid of?  That’s easy – the same thing that scared me with speaking – what people will think.  I’d like to be able to say that I don’t care, but that would be a lie.  Of course, I care.  I believe that everyone cares what people think of them, at least to some degree.

What people think of me is my rope bridge, and I ain’t crossing that sucker just to satisfy my curiosity about what’s inside that blue suitcase.  But you can trust and believe that if I know there’s a million dollars inside (my million bucks is being a writer), I’m gonna be the rope-bridge-walkingest fool you’ve ever seen.

I’ll never be the one to say, “Don’t be scared, just do it.”  I know better.  If you’re scared, then you’re scared, and that’s all there is to it.  But I will say, “Don’t let fear stop you from getting what you want,” and if you want it enough, you won’t.