A Motherless Mother’s Day

My mom died when I was eleven, and from then on, holidays were different. To be honest, they sucked; but the worst holiday of all was Mother’s Day. For me, it hadn’t turned into ‘just another day’; instead, it was a sad day. It was a day to watch everyone else celebrate something that I was no longer eligible to participate in.

 

At the time, my situation was rare. I didn’t know of one other kid who had lost a parent, and I can’t count how many times I’d get invited somewhere with, “Call and ask your mom if you can come.” Friends who knew I had no mom to call would (out of habit) say, “Call your mom,” then immediately go wide-eyed and say, “Oh! Sorry!” Then there were the people who didn’t know, and I’d have to say that I’d call my dad instead because my mom was dead, making everyone involved feel awkward. Of course, people would say they were sorry, and I’d say, “That’s okay.” Still, I always felt like that statement might be misinterpreted as “That’s okay that she’s dead,” so I consistently added “you didn’t know,” at the end.

 

Unfortunately, in 2020, my situation wouldn’t have been a rare one, at least not in the sense of not having a mother around. I often wonder how many kids have mothers who choose to not be around, for whatever reason, whether it’s drugs, a man, or just plain selfishness. I know a lot of young people whose mothers aren’t present in their lives, and it’s heartbreaking.

 

People have asked me what inspired me to write My Name is Erin, and My Mom’s an Addict. They wonder if my own personal experience is a part of Erin, and the answer is yes and no. Erin is a part of me, but she’s mostly a combination of the young people I know whose parents have chosen anything over them. I was able to pull from the experience of living with my father, an alcoholic, but (thank God) he never messed with drugs. I was also able to see the pain these kids suffer when mom doesn’t show up (again), and rarely (if ever) calls.

 

Grace and I, on the other hand, have the loss of our mothers to cancer in common. At one point in the book, Erin and Grace are talking about their moms, and Erin says to Grace,

“I’m sorry for you way more than I am for me. Your mom was good, and she loved you. I’ll bet she would have never left you. I mean, I know she did, but not on purpose. She didn’t choose to leave you. People say addiction is a disease. I call bullshit on that. What your mom had…that’s a disease. It’s not fair that your mom died while my mom is alive somewhere, probably not far from here; she’s alive and well, and probably sticking a needle in her arm right now.”

 

There are so many kids and teens who know precisely how Erin feels. I know how it felt to lose my mom to sickness, but I don’t know how it feels to have your mother choose to leave. I’m grateful that I can’t fathom how horrible it is to be abandoned by the one person who is supposed to love you so deeply that they would literally die for you.

 

I know kids whose mothers have moved far away to start new lives for themselves. Some have moms who are close by, but they’re too wrapped up in drugs, a love interest, or have some other lame (and selfish) reason for not raising their children. Honestly, I just don’t get, and I never will.

 

Today, instead of writing for the mothers, I decided to write for the children of mothers (or fathers) who are alive but aren’t around. To them, I want to say these things:

 

~ Your parent’s choice to be absent has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

 

~ You are valuable and worthy.

 

~ Your mom (or dad) is missing out big time, not the other way around.

 

~ One day, if you become a parent, you’ll be a great one. You’ll be there for your child, and you’ll experience a love that is beyond compare. And that’s because you’ll understand how significant your presence in your child’s life is.

 

~ There is probably someone who is doing their best to fill that void that your biological parent left in your life; I’m willing to bet that person loves you immensely. Even if that person is a male, it’s perfectly fine for you to celebrate them for Mother’s Day. And I’m sure it would mean the world to them.

 

Last, remember that you’re not alone. There are a lot of people who understand how you feel.

 

Holidays, especially ones like today, aren’t always easy for some of us, but we shouldn’t spend them alone. Just because it’s called “Mother’s Day” doesn’t mean we have to reserve the love we feel for one person, and that if she isn’t around, we should just throw it away. Love is meant to be given away, even on Mother’s Day to people we don’t call “Mom.”