But, WHY?

“If someone shows you who they really are, believe them,” ~ Maya Angelou 

Maya Angelou was one wise lady.  I first heard the above quote about five years ago and it’s one I try to remember when a fitting occasion arises.  Unfortunately, I don’t always follow the wonderful advice in that quote, because I’m a “why” person; I always want to know why people behave the way that they do.  What drives someone to mistreat other people?  Why would someone tell a lie just for the sake of lying?  How could someone hurt innocent people and not feel bad about it?  Why do people cheat, steal, and murder?  If you find yourself scratching your head like I do when these questions come up, congratulations…you’re probably a decent human being.

I have a friend who was in a very tumultuous relationship.  Her significant other had done something pretty messed up; she was having trouble moving on because she couldn’t stop fixating on the thing he’d done.  She finally asked me, “But why did he do that?  I just want to know why.”   I said, “I don’t know.  You’ll never know, either.  Trying to figure out why he did it is just going to drive you crazy.”  Although I felt like this was a pretty good (and kind of wise, if I do say so myself) answer, I knew her mind would remain working in overdrive to figure out why, and I realized that if I were in her shoes, my mind would be doing the same thing.  It’s easy to give someone advice, but sometimes it’s hard to follow my own advice, even when it’s really good.

It makes perfect sense that when someone does something we don’t understand—something we ourselves would never do—we can’t stop wondering what’s going on in that messed up little brain in their head.  Recently, my son got into a fender-bender.  It was the other guy’s fault (he even apologized), so the other guy (let’s call this other guy, “Liarface”) gave my son his insurance information and told him to call his insurance company and initiate a claim.  Simple, right?  One would think so.  However, Liarface changed his story…when the insurance company called to get his side of the story, Liarface said my son hit him.  There were no witnesses and my son took photos of the damage after they had moved both vehicles off the road, so the photos didn’t show the position, etc. of the vehicles.  Liarface’s insurance company believed his version and denied my son’s claim. 

My son was livid.  I was livid.  I wanted to make picket signs that said, “WE DEMAND JUSTICE!” and “YOUR GUY IS A LIARFACE!” I wanted to drive straight to the insurance company’s headquarters and stand outside the building with these signs.  Fortunately for everyone involved, I’m too lazy for all that.  Plus, I eventually cooled down and realized that there was really nothing I could do about it.  The question that wouldn’t stop going through my mind though, was why?  Why would this guy admit fault, apologize, and then later tell a lie?  What kind of person would do that?  Then, it hit me…not everyone thinks the way I do. 

For some people, telling a lie comes as naturally as breathing.  Everyone’s moral compass isn’t a replica of mine.  In fact, maybe I’ve done something that made someone wonder, “Why would she do that?”  It’s taken me almost fifty years to figure out that I can’t look at someone else’s actions and compare them to what I would do in the same situation.  I’m me and they’re them.  My life shaped my beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors; someone else’s life is totally different from mine so why should I expect their actions to mirror mine?  And even if I could eventually figure out why someone did this or that, how would it help?  It would only tell me what I already know…that they are not me and I am not them.

I still am a little irked because Liarface told that lie, so I’m hoping that karma steps in and makes things right; but I stopped wondering why, because there’s no point in it. 

Maya Angelou was right when she said, “If someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”  For those of you who are like me and have trouble believing without first knowing why, don’t waste your time wondering about something you’ll never have the answer to.  It doesn’t matter why someone does wrong; all that matters is that they did.