Smooth Seas

“Smooth seas never made a skilled mariner.”  I went on the internet to find out who gets credit for that saying, but I couldn’t find a definitive answer.  One article said it was Franklin D. Roosevelt, while another said it was an English proverb, so who knows?  But hats off to FDR, the English-proverb-maker, or whoever else really said it, because it’s a good one. One of my favorites, actually.  

When my father was diagnosed with cancer, my sister convinced him to come to her house and stay in her spare bedroom.  She, my brother-in-law, and I would take shifts caring for him. When someone is terminally ill, it’s not like you can pass the time playing frisbee or going to museums with them, so you end up doing a lot of talking, and those talks tend to go deep; they go places where everyday, healthy-people conversations don’t.  Nope, there’s definitely not a lot of small talk going on.

One day, my dad was in his bed and I was sitting in a chair in his room.  We were having a talk and somehow my mother’s death came up.  He said to me, “I think it’s neat that you and your sister lost your mom when you girls were so young.”  Now, I know that sounds like a totally messed up thing to say to someone, but I knew exactly what he was trying to say.  He felt like that kind of loss had prepared us for all of the subsequent heartache and loss that life would eventually throw at us.  He thought it had made us resilient…that it had made us “skilled mariners”.  He was right.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have my mom than be resilient and I hate to see anyone else suffering.  I’d rather give a little eye roll over someone who’s lived such a perfect life that they have a meltdown when their Amazon package gets delivered a day later than promised; but I don’t believe many people have lived such charmed lives.  I think everyone has been through something that has either kind of messed them up, made them resilient, or (most likely), made them a little of both. 

I know people who have lost one or both of their parents.  I know people who have lost a child.  I know people who are alcoholics, drug addicts, people who are bi-polar, cancer survivors, people who were abused as children, people who have been homeless, domestic abuse survivors…

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.  We’ve all been through something and while I wouldn’t use the word, “neat” to describe anyone’s trials and tribulations, I will say that (as cliche as it sounds) I think the things we go through really do make us stronger.  Not only that, we become more compassionate and understanding, and are able to help people get through things we’ve gone through.  Take alcoholism, for example.  The best alcohol abuse counselors are recovering alcoholics.  Why?  Because they’ve been there.  They’ve had similar experiences and feelings.  The fact that they are sober is proof that they know what it takes to get and stay that way.  That’s why AA is usually the first place an alcoholic will go when they decide they want help.

I have a friend who lost her only child.  She was also a victim of domestic violence and is a breast cancer survivor.  She travels the country giving talks about those ordeals, hoping to help others who are going through the same things.  She is a strong, resilient person who has been through things that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  I know someone else who, at the age of nine, witnessed the death of his father, and that was only one of the many horrible thing he’s been through.  He’s still working through the residual mess from all of the awful things that have happened to him, but he’s a fighter and I believe that in time, he’s going to come out on the other side as one of the most skilled mariners I’ve ever known.

It would be thoughtless (downright silly, actually) of me to say that when you’re going through something tragic that you should “look at the bright side” or that “everything happens for a reason”.  When we’re going through tough times, we’re not interested in (and probably not even capable of) being optimistic; we are simply just trying to make it through and survive.  But when the storm has passed and the seas have calmed, we can summon up our strength and navigational skills to help others get through their storms.  

Unfortunately, we all have to go through storms at some time or another.  Hopefully, most of those storms are small and we can say, “I’ve made it through things that are worse, so this is child’s play.”  As for me, although I try to make the best out of things, I want the remainder of my voyage to be on calm, smooth seas; I don’t think I need anymore rough-sea-skills, thank you very much. 

And even though I like to believe I’m a strong, skilled mariner, I sometimes feel like my compass is off and my rudder is broken. I still have my moments, and so I hereby reserve the right to throw a pity party (you’re all invited) if Amazon is a day late in delivering an important package, like my spy gear night goggles or my Millennium Falcon waffle maker.